(no subject)

[st_aurafina]

It has been
730ish
21
7
0 days since my last panic attack.

Which is to say that there is medical stuff of the 'It's probably nothing' variety and it has done my brain in. I am getting better at dealing with these panic attacks, but at the same time, they're kind of intense this time around. Today at work, I thought I was going to black out. Lots of zippy little black dots and a feeling of imminent doom. It is a crapballs way of coping with stress and I am miserable that it is back on my mental menu of cope.


On the other hand, I can get my shoulders well and truly off the mat when I do an abs crunch. Like, right up there, shoulder blades clear off the mat. I used to just be able to lift my head. That is 100% my work of the past two years. I am very proud of this. Do not harsh me on it even if this sounds like a piddling effort to regular folk. I am on a hair trigger and I have a fork handy.


Reading:

Still reading heaps of fic, still wallowing in Winter Soldier feels. Also reading the Winter Soldier arc in Captain America - I had forgotten how much detail was transposed directly to screen. ("Who the hell is Bucky?", oh, my poor heart.)

Revenant (73471 words) by stele3
Chapters: 11/11
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Natasha Romanov, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Thor (Marvel), Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner
Additional Tags: Dubious Consent, Dehumanization, Hostage Situations, Torture, Ableism, Suicidal Thoughts, Canon-Typical Violence, Post-Movie(s), slightly AU, Suicide Attempt, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Body Horror, Panic Attacks, Mind Control, Period-Typical Homophobia, Bisexuality
Summary:

Post-movie AU in which Bucky didn’t just leave Steve on a river bank...he took him.

Many thanks to rennemiles and sansets for beta-reading this and being willing to talk at length with my incoherent ass. I will be posting a chapter a week.

This chapter contains no sexual content, but future chapters include several scenes of varying dubious consent. I will make note of that and the exact situations in the chapters that it applies to. If anyone spots anything else in the fic that I should have tagged for but did not, please do not hesitate to tell me.

I still have one chapter to go in this one, but since I'm probably not going to be posting for a bit, I wanted to rec it - I have loved ten of the eleven chapters I've read thus far. It's AU in the sense that Bucky takes Steve with him when he goes on the run. There are many good and bad feels in this, but also a satisfying amount of plot, and visits from many Marvel characters, including Agents of SHIELD. I hope the last chapter is good too - it seems to be heading to awesome places.



Slowed Me From My Ruining (5997 words) by galfridian
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers
Characters: Sharon Carter (Marvel), Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Nick Fury, Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Pre-Relationship
Summary:

After SHIELD falls, Sharon Carter joins the CIA and finds herself assigned to track down the Winter Soldier.

A hyper-competent Sharon Carter on mission to find Bucky. Lots of professional relationships, lots of weaving in and out of espionage circles, glimpses of what it is like to be Agent Peggy Carter's niece.



depends on where you're standing (4118 words) by dirgewithoutmusic
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Sharon Carter & Natasha Romanov, Sharon Carter &; Peggy Carter, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov
Characters: Sharon Carter (Marvel), Peggy Carter, Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers, Agent 13 (Marvel)
Additional Tags: Bechdel Test Fix, Aftermath, Idealistic little girls who grow up to be fierce women, coffee with an assassin, spies around the watercooler, SHIELD falls
Series: Part 1 of bringing the war home
Summary:

Sharon Carter expected to pull a gun in the line of duty. She didn’t expect to pull it here. SHIELD was her holy ground.

--

Some aunts take you to mass, but Sharon’s took her to the shooting range.

When Sharon finally met Captain Rogers, she was almost startled at his size. She’d read the comics, sure, but to Sharon, who had heard all the stories (and to Peggy, who had told them), Steve Rogers would always be 5’4” and breakable, had always been a hero.

Her mother had told her bedtime stories about Aunt Peggy saving the world. Her aunt had told her stories about a skinny kid who hated bullies, and a crew of wisecracking soldiers who followed his lead—about Steve and Bucky and all the Howling Commandos out to save the day and chase away each of Sharon’s nightmares.

Her father told her stories about talking elephants and singing mice who built treehouses together.

Sharon carried all of those with her, into the lies of pink nurses' scrubs and the chaos of SHIELD's fall, into everything that came afterwards.

But this came first.

(A Sharon Carter character study)

Ignore the annoying tags - this is excellent Natasha & Sharon friendship fic, and Sharon & Peggy mentorship fic. (I do not like that tagging style! I know it makes me sound curmudgeonly, especially since I use them on Tumblr, but I don't like them on AO3. I'm cranky and I know it.)



When I feel down, I want you above me (2706 words) by lanyon
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Avengers (2012), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Phone Sex, Unadulterated silliness, The Winter Soldier - Freeform
Summary:

In the twenty-first century, Steve Rogers still has inordinate difficult talking to women, or men, or anyone with a pretty face. Tony Stark suggests that he try calling a phone sex line. Under the influence of severe exhaustion, he does just that. He has no explanation for why he keeps calling, though.

Silly but hilarious and endearing.



He Who Pours Out Vengeance (148808 words) by Underground
Chapters: 26/26
Fandom: Hannibal (TV)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Will Graham & Hannibal Lecter, Alana Bloom/Will Graham, Alana Bloom/Hannibal Lecter
Characters: Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Alana Bloom, Jack Crawford, Beverly Katz, Dr. Chilton, Jimmy Price, Brian Zeller
Additional Tags: Post-Season/Series, Drug Use, Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Violence, Mental Institutions, Emotional Manipulation
Series: Part 1 of The Better Angels
Summary:

Post-Savoureux. Will fights back.

Long and thinky, written between Hannibal S1 and S2, lots of Will behind bars doing his Will thing. It was really interesting to see how much of S2 must have been telegraphed in S1, because there were weird and satisfying areas of overlap between this suggested S2 and the canon one.



Odd One Out (27652 words) by thingswithwings
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Leverage
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Alec Hardison/Parker, Alec Hardison/Eliot Spencer, Parker/Eliot Spencer, Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer, Eliot Spencer/OC
Characters: Alec Hardison, Eliot Spencer, Parker, Sophie Devereaux (Leverage), Nathan Ford
Additional Tags: Partnership, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome, Non-Equilateral Triangle, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, Polyamory, Food, Queerplatonic Relationships, there is also very briefly a monkey, and equally briefly a plot
Summary:

"We should talk about Eliot," Alec says, at the same time Parker says, "We should have sex in a hammock."

A very distinctive OT3! I really love the way Parker is clearly neuroatypical, but perfectly adult and able to negotiate relationships and needs. And is also the boss of everyone.



Life of Crime (35399 words) by neveralarch
Chapters: 8/8
Fandom: Marvel 616, Hawkeye (Comics)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton, Clint Barton/Carol Danvers, Clint Barton & Kate Bishop, Kate Bishop/America Chavez, Barney Barton & Clint Barton
Characters: Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes, Carol Danvers, Kate Bishop, Barney Barton, Maya Lopez, Steve Rogers, Tracksuit Mafia, Lester | Bullseye
Additional Tags: Deaf Clint Barton, Edgeplay, Consensual Kink, Polyamory, Supervillain AU, also lots of other characters and implied pairings but these tags were starting to get out of hand
Summary:

As a supervillain supercriminal contract worker with a morality deficit, Clint Barton leads a glamorous life. You know, stolen cars, dangerous women, a really confusing relationship with a meddling do-gooder, the works. It's pretty awesome. Except for, uh, medical bills, the mob, and being on the run all the time. That part isn't all that awesome.

(A supervillain AU where Clint shoots arrows at people and gets beat up a lot. So, not really that much of an AU.)

This is my favourite thing for ages! It made me check out Matt Fraction's run on Hawkeye, which was so much fun. Lookit me, reading comics and keeping up to date for the first time in years! Anyway, this is awesome, and it has Carol, and America Chavez (so I'm also checking out Young Avengers for the first time in ages) and it's basically lured me back into comics and that's a thing I never thought would happen again.



Clint Barton’s Home for Wayward Mind Wiped Assassins (5772 words) by roguewrld
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton
Additional Tags: ficlet Friday, clint doesn't know #coulson lives, tony wants to get the band back together, but he's not in the fic
Summary:

“Where ever you were, whatever you did and whoever you did it for, it’s over. You need to pretend to be a person now, okay?”

So, Neveralarch's fic led me to Hawkeye comics, and the comics led me to this fic, and it's a really clever fusion of movieverse and comicsverse Clint, as he looks after post!Winter Soldier Bucky, and it's a WIP but I love it.


Hawkeye! Totally unexpected outcome! Once again, fanfic is a gateway to new canon.


Ugh I'm going to bed now.

Comments

[senmut]

That is hella good progress on the crunch!

+sends good vibes+

[st_aurafina]

I am so proud of my crunch!!

*hugs*

[nixwilliams]

Lots of love for you.

Also, NICE WORK on the crunches!

[st_aurafina]

*hugs hugs*

Thank you! Proud of my crunch.

[retsuko]

You have the best recs. that phone sex line one is... So adorable! :)

I'm really sorry to hear about the panic attacks, though.

[st_aurafina]

I adore the phone sex one! It has no care for improbability, and it's so very dear.

Bleh on the panic attacks. Just, bleh.

[realpestilence]

You have every right to feel pleased and proud at your progress.

[st_aurafina]

I know, and I do, but there's always someone on the internet ready to put you down, you know? Especially being a person of size.

[lonelywalker]

...okay I'm totally going to read the phone sex one.

[st_aurafina]

It's so much fun! Cap maxes out his SHIELD credit card and people are deeply troubled.

[kindkit]

I hope you feel better (emotionally) soon. And congrats on your hard physical work paying off!

[st_aurafina]

*hugs* Thank you!

[clare_dragonfly]

Good work on the crunches! :D

[st_aurafina]

SO PROUD OF MY CORE!

[lurkingcat]

Ab crunches: that's fantastic progress!

(Also thank you for the Winter Soldier recs. I am in need of good fic right now.)

[st_aurafina]

I am very proud of the meatsack - it grew muscles in there somewhere.

You're welcome! I find most of them from other peoples' rec posts, so I want to pay that forward.

[kaffy_r]

Oh, these are fantastic recs (thanks to you, I just finished "Depends on Where You Stand" and want to read the rest of that series). Right now, the MCU and ASOIAF are jostling with my Whoniverse fandom love, so you've given me lots of fodder.

I'm so sorry about the panic attacks, and I am cheering you on from the sidelines as you regain the stability you need to kick them out of the coping menu once more.

Not to mention cheering you about the abdominal crunches - woo-hoo!!!!!! That's got to be one of the hardest things to keep up with, and you are making really fantastic progress (better than I would have done.) Hurrah!

[st_aurafina]

You're welcome! Glad to pass on the love from other recs posts I've trawled through.

(BTW OMG ARE YOU EXCITE ABOUT NEW DOCTOR WHO OMG ARE YOU? I AM!)

Thank you - things will settle as the Nothing becomes the nothing, if you know what I mean. Just have to do the steps, and at least with therapy, I'm a bit better at looking after myself.

So proud of my crunches, seriously!

[kaffy_r]

things will settle as the Nothing becomes the nothing,

I definitely know that feeling. The huge Nothings are so awful, aren't they? And then they end up being so small ... so, yeah, go, you!!

I AM EXCITE AND AM COUNTING DAYS WHY IS IT NOT NOW!!???!!!

[vass]

Thank you for the recs, congrats on the crunches, and good luck with the stuff.

In terms of cumulative stress over the last year, it's probably no wonder you're having panic attacks again. You're not coping worse, you're coping with more stuff and less recovery time. It totally sucks, but it's understandable that your brain's hauling out the big guns.

*offers hugs*

[st_aurafina]

Bleh, stress is balls and not the fun squishy stressballs, either. *hugs*

[jesuswasbatman]

Glad to hear about the crunches!

Although if you're happy to receive advice, I would be very, very careful to tense your core and keep your spine absolutely straight throughout the movement - it's very easy to do bad things to your back and neck with crunches if you curl your back or neck at all, as I know from painful experience.

[st_aurafina]

Yay, crunches! Yes, I have a personal trainer, and she keeps an eye on my head position and reminds me to lock my core. (Still amazed to find I have a core to lock now, though. Eternally surprised by that. When I started, I couldn't feel those muscles at all.)

[shehasathree]

Ooh, i am impressed with your abdominal muscle power!
Sorry to hear about the panic attacks, though. Those zippy little black dots are the worst.

[st_aurafina]

I hate the zippy black dots! They are balls.

[lark_ascends]

Awesome work on the crunches! I know how much effort goes into what some people will think is a 'small' outcome. It's not a small outcome at all. It's awesome.

*sends love and good vibes*

[st_aurafina]

Thank you! I'm so proud of my crunches - built from nothing! It's huge for me.

*hugs*

[umadoshi]

*many hugs and much sympathy*

I am nowhere near your level of ab awesomeness, so I'm admiring your progress!

And thanks for the fic recs! I'll add some of those to the to-read list.

[st_aurafina]

*hugs hugs* It's one of those situations where it kind of came out of the blue. (Actually, I think they've all been like that. I never get used to it.)

I am so proud of my crunches! Go, meatsack, go!

[whatistigerbalm]

Urg. I hope it's better now!

[redcirce]

Booooo on panic attacks. I hate them and they are the worst, as I'm sure you know. But yay on the crunch progress! :)

I actually just saw both Captain America movies for the first time a few weeks ago, so these recs finally make sense and I will check some of them out...