st_aurafina: monarch butterfly wings (Butterfly wings)
State of the Writing:
I posted a bunch of fics, but have a few more that only need a little bit of work. (Sanctuary wing-fic, this one X-Men/Sanctuary fic I've had hanging around, that Warehouse 13 fic that I thought was finished but actually had [put kiss here] in the body of the text, ffs.)

I'm going to try for a finish-a-thon this Nano. I just totted up my works in progress:
- Post-Winter-Soldier Save Bucky fic now jossed by, I think, four MCU movies, 55K
- Person of Interest 5 Things, with 3/5 of the things done, 15K
- Person of Interest post S5 fixit, 36K
- Person of Interest Sentinel/Guide fic I should never have started but it's so addictive, 5K
- Dracula 2013 Lucy/Mina/Grayson fic 6K
- Original fic, Boarding House of Together They Solve Crime, 50K

That's 167K of unfinished business, holy shit. That's not right. Something has to change here. I think I'm staging an intervention on myself.

Yuletide assignments were super early this year, huh? Mine is great - I'm excited about getting started on that, plus the letter reads like I wrote it. We're obviously very in sync, my recipient and I. For myself, I got my letter in right on the buzzer - Dear Author.

And I have a pinch hit for [community profile] femslashex that I absolutely need to get cracking on. Now.

State of the Garden:
- celery going strong
- snow peas starting to take off
- weird crinkly spinach in that stage where the more you pick, the more grows
- broccolini is down to one plant, but it still has... brockles?
- bok choy gone (it was a really good winter crop though.)
- seeds for button squash, butternut pumpkin, green zebra tomato, apple cucumber and leek are tiny but strong
- 2 zucchini seedlings are in and planning their strategic advance on the house
- coriander is going
- we put in some beetroot seedlings, mostly because apparently the greens are nice in salad? IDK.

State of the Me:
- I hurt my shoulder and the physiotherapist uttered the dread incantation 'rotator cuff'. It's not too bad, just inflamed, definitely not torn, but I'm being extra careful. I feel like I'm in a bad Victorian novel, always checking that my shoulder blades are down and back.
- The plebiscite on same sex marriage went down in flames, thank goodness, but that and world events in general have left me feeling fairly hopeless about the future. I'm still trying to get over the discovery that I live in a world where #nottheonion is a thing we need when reading news.
- I'm feeling generally flat and uncommunicative but I am trying to push out of it. I have NaNo write-ins I want to attend in Geelong. I've scoped out the locale, it looks nice and fairly accessible. I'm still nervous about it. Socialising is nervewracking, even when I want to do it.
- Pokemon Go is giving me life. Even though fewer people are playing, it takes the edge of my anxiety when I go to a new place, because I can scope out the poke-landscape.

State of the Cats:
Spring is here and we opened a window )
st_aurafina: Rainy day, person with a rainbow umbrella in the distance  (Rainbow umbrella)
My favourite Prince tribute, from [tumblr.com profile] lizclimo.



In other news, I am now a medicated person.

talking about anxiety, medication, side effects, mostly for my own reference or because taking Pristiq makes me introspective IDK )

tl;dr: I'm on drugs and they seem to work okay.


I have my [community profile] ssrconfidential assignment, and it's lovely and open and exactly the kind of thing I'd like to write. I just need... to get started, I think. I am a bit worried about the meds knocking down my ability to write, but I think that once I get a plot bunny nibble, I'll be right. And at the moment, I'm coming to the end of a Person of Interest rewatch to get ready for season five (SEASON FIVE OMG) and I'm all about the POI plot bunnies. So many bunnies.


Discharging linkspams:

- The easiest way to get fresh thyme leaves off the stalk. MIND. BLOWN.

- Awesome Breastforms - volunteers knit or crochet breast forms for mastectomy/lumpectomy patients, who can order whatever size, colour, filling they like. The forms are free, and for some people, more comfortable or accessible than expensive silicone forms.

- Artisinal ipsums:
Hipster ipsum
Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction ipsum
Bogan ipsum

- Good Morning Alice - a dreadful short film/jewellery ad featuring Gwenyth Paltrow, which has been delightfully over-masticated by fandom.

- Under Cats - photography series of cats on glass tables. SO MANY TOE BEANS.

- How to make a Black Widow doll, since Marvel is so fail.

- Styrofoam amplified cello - would also be handy in a shipwreck.

- This Took Forever woven tags - for those times when you've slaved over a handcrafted item, and it ends up in the dog's bed.

- Discover the kitchen style for your Myers-Briggs personality type - I fucking love stupid Myers-Briggs stuff. Am I the only one? It's so stupid and yet weirdly satifying. I'm INFP, and my kitchen style is "The Healer". UNCANNY.
st_aurafina: Rainy day, person with a rainbow umbrella in the distance  (Rainbow umbrella)
The Jehovahs just called on us, from which I take to mean that since we have moved, they haven't updated their hobo sign at the gate that says LESBIAN HOUSE. Thanks, lady, I love being told, on my own doorstep, that God loves me despite my choices in life. I asked her to try to be compassionate and then I closed the door on her. (ETA: [personal profile] lilacsigil has ordered us a couple of rainbow flag stickers, one for the mailbox and one for the front door of the pharmacy. We can make our own hobo signs.)


I'm not going to get my Winter Soldier fic finished before Civil War comes out, and it's making me queasy. I want to enjoy and squee over the trailers, but instead I feel guilty and anxious, which is a great mindset to try and write from. I have 60K, I need maybe 15K. I want it done. I like this story a lot, and I want to post it. Ugh.


So, obvs, I am super anxious. Everything is anxious-making. I am very tired and bored of this steam engine in my brain that runs all day and all night, churning out thoughts and feelings that are completely divorced from reality. Even more, I'm tired of knowing these fears are out of perspective and irrational, but still feeling them. It is such a waste of time. I have better things I could with this powerful, energetic, imaginative brain. /is trying to be positive about brain. It's a good brain. It's kept me alive for 45 years.


[personal profile] naye was talking about podcasts, and I am very into podcasts right now! Podcasts are awesome because they free up my hands so I can crochet or shred zucchini or do housework. But even more than that, a podcast puts a brake on my anxiety-based running dialogue with myself. I can't listen to my inner voice berating me when there's a voice in my ear telling me something I really want to know.

I'm going to link to [personal profile] naye's recs for fictional podcasts, because I agree with all of the recs, and listen to all of those stories (except for 'Alice isn't Dead' but it's queued.) ETA: Done and I'm never eating omelet again.

Here are some non-fiction recs:

Well, that ended up a lot longer than I thought )

Oooh, oooh, look what [personal profile] sholio did: [community profile] ssrconfidential, fic exchange for Agent Carter. *hurries off to join*
st_aurafina: The Winter Soldier wearing a mask and showing his metal arm (Marvel: Winter Soldier)
Still haven't moved. Send help and reinforcements. The real estate agent has a tenant lined up for our old place; she keeps knocking on the door to ask when we'll be vacating so we can lease the house. IDEK. At least it won't be sitting empty. At least it's rentable without major renovations (and at least this tenant is willing to move in while the not so major renovations are done.)


I survived my major dental appointment by having a panic attack on the Sunday beforehand that was so intense and so horrifying that two hours of crown work was nothing to fear in comparison. The panic attack wasn't even to do with the the dental appointment - it was my mother's birthday on Sunday, and when I went to text her, I had to scroll and scroll to find our last communication, which was in January - hence panic attack and waves of self-loathing that far outweighed my fear of dentistry. I do not recommend this as a method of dealing with dental phobia. I feel like a piece of fruit leather at the bottom of a schoolbag. But the temporary crown is in and the next appointment is not so arduous. OR SO THEY TELL ME. /dire looks


Tinee media review:

- Doctor Who: tentatively enjoying it on the proviso that I read no negative reviews and allow myself to soak in a syrupy non-critical solution of self-care while watching it. A new Doctor is always a treat, in that assorted chocolates way. I don't really know what Twelve is like yet, but I'm pretty sure he's not a soft-centre. (OMG where is this analogy going? I release my grip on sanity! Let it go!)

- Reign: Watched the first two episodes and really, really enjoyed them. It's like, history on crack with fancy dresses and ooooh, boys, and lots of girls hugging.


Tinee linkspam:

- Seriously adorable crochet pattern: Crochet a baby Groot (warning for animated gif)

- Somewhat underbaked science that nonetheless rang true for me and my many hearing problems: Middle ear may hold answers for autism treatment (Warning for discussion of familial abuse)

- H/T to [personal profile] cofax7 for this one: The Most Amazing Lie in History (I feel like I want some kind of Peggy Carter encounter with this guy. Maybe Judy Dench's M can be in it, too. She must have been pretty deadly in WWII.

- Misty Copeland will be performing Swan Lake in Australia - this photo from her instagram is just beautiful. I love the strength and compassion on her face - I usually find Odette a bit mimsy, but this is amazing. (Eeeeeh, using facebook to embed from Instagram to my journal - this is a little too close to crossing the streams, if you ask me.)

Instagram clearly too evil - am hotlinking like a crime lord )

- I wish this scene had been in the Winter Soldier: This Is What Hawkeye Was Going To Do In Captain America: The Winter Soldier

- Speaking of Winter Soldier, [personal profile] famira has made a trillion textless icons from the movie: all under their Captain America tag. Go snaffle them up!


Since my last post, I've mostly been reading comics: re-reading Captain America's Winter Soldier arc, also Young Avengers (omg Miss America! Amerikate foreva!), Ms Marvel (omg the latest team-up killed me with the adorability).


Also made a bunch of icons suddenly and out of the blue: some Doctor Who, some Young Avengers which are, admittedly, 90% America Chavez )

And that's all there is. There isn't any more.
st_aurafina: Captain America, looking somber, holding his shield (Marvel: Captain America)
It has been
730ish
21
7

0 days since my last panic attack.


Which is to say that there is medical stuff of the 'It's probably nothing' variety and it has done my brain in. I am getting better at dealing with these panic attacks, but at the same time, they're kind of intense this time around. Today at work, I thought I was going to black out. Lots of zippy little black dots and a feeling of imminent doom. It is a crapballs way of coping with stress and I am miserable that it is back on my mental menu of cope.


On the other hand, I can get my shoulders well and truly off the mat when I do an abs crunch. Like, right up there, shoulder blades clear off the mat. I used to just be able to lift my head. That is 100% my work of the past two years. I am very proud of this. Do not harsh me on it even if this sounds like a piddling effort to regular folk. I am on a hair trigger and I have a fork handy.


Reading:

Still reading heaps of fic, still wallowing in Winter Soldier feels. Also reading the Winter Soldier arc in Captain America - I had forgotten how much detail was transposed directly to screen. ("Who the hell is Bucky?", oh, my poor heart.)

Revenant (73471 words) by stele3
Chapters: 11/11
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Natasha Romanov, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Thor (Marvel), Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner
Additional Tags: Dubious Consent, Dehumanization, Hostage Situations, Torture, Ableism, Suicidal Thoughts, Canon-Typical Violence, Post-Movie(s), slightly AU, Suicide Attempt, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Body Horror, Panic Attacks, Mind Control, Period-Typical Homophobia, Bisexuality
Summary:

Post-movie AU in which Bucky didn’t just leave Steve on a river bank...he took him.

Many thanks to rennemiles and sansets for beta-reading this and being willing to talk at length with my incoherent ass. I will be posting a chapter a week.

This chapter contains no sexual content, but future chapters include several scenes of varying dubious consent. I will make note of that and the exact situations in the chapters that it applies to. If anyone spots anything else in the fic that I should have tagged for but did not, please do not hesitate to tell me.



I still have one chapter to go in this one, but since I'm probably not going to be posting for a bit, I wanted to rec it - I have loved ten of the eleven chapters I've read thus far. It's AU in the sense that Bucky takes Steve with him when he goes on the run. There are many good and bad feels in this, but also a satisfying amount of plot, and visits from many Marvel characters, including Agents of SHIELD. I hope the last chapter is good too - it seems to be heading to awesome places.



Slowed Me From My Ruining (5997 words) by galfridian
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers
Characters: Sharon Carter (Marvel), Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Nick Fury, Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Pre-Relationship
Summary:

After SHIELD falls, Sharon Carter joins the CIA and finds herself assigned to track down the Winter Soldier.



A hyper-competent Sharon Carter on mission to find Bucky. Lots of professional relationships, lots of weaving in and out of espionage circles, glimpses of what it is like to be Agent Peggy Carter's niece.



depends on where you're standing (4118 words) by dirgewithoutmusic
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Sharon Carter & Natasha Romanov, Sharon Carter &; Peggy Carter, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov
Characters: Sharon Carter (Marvel), Peggy Carter, Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers, Agent 13 (Marvel)
Additional Tags: Bechdel Test Fix, Aftermath, Idealistic little girls who grow up to be fierce women, coffee with an assassin, spies around the watercooler, SHIELD falls
Series: Part 1 of bringing the war home
Summary:

Sharon Carter expected to pull a gun in the line of duty. She didn’t expect to pull it here. SHIELD was her holy ground.

--

Some aunts take you to mass, but Sharon’s took her to the shooting range.

When Sharon finally met Captain Rogers, she was almost startled at his size. She’d read the comics, sure, but to Sharon, who had heard all the stories (and to Peggy, who had told them), Steve Rogers would always be 5’4” and breakable, had always been a hero.

Her mother had told her bedtime stories about Aunt Peggy saving the world. Her aunt had told her stories about a skinny kid who hated bullies, and a crew of wisecracking soldiers who followed his lead—about Steve and Bucky and all the Howling Commandos out to save the day and chase away each of Sharon’s nightmares.

Her father told her stories about talking elephants and singing mice who built treehouses together.

Sharon carried all of those with her, into the lies of pink nurses' scrubs and the chaos of SHIELD's fall, into everything that came afterwards.

But this came first.

(A Sharon Carter character study)



Ignore the annoying tags - this is excellent Natasha & Sharon friendship fic, and Sharon & Peggy mentorship fic. (I do not like that tagging style! I know it makes me sound curmudgeonly, especially since I use them on Tumblr, but I don't like them on AO3. I'm cranky and I know it.)



When I feel down, I want you above me (2706 words) by lanyon
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Avengers (2012), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Phone Sex, Unadulterated silliness, The Winter Soldier - Freeform
Summary:

In the twenty-first century, Steve Rogers still has inordinate difficult talking to women, or men, or anyone with a pretty face. Tony Stark suggests that he try calling a phone sex line. Under the influence of severe exhaustion, he does just that. He has no explanation for why he keeps calling, though.



Silly but hilarious and endearing.



He Who Pours Out Vengeance (148808 words) by Underground
Chapters: 26/26
Fandom: Hannibal (TV)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Will Graham & Hannibal Lecter, Alana Bloom/Will Graham, Alana Bloom/Hannibal Lecter
Characters: Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Alana Bloom, Jack Crawford, Beverly Katz, Dr. Chilton, Jimmy Price, Brian Zeller
Additional Tags: Post-Season/Series, Drug Use, Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Violence, Mental Institutions, Emotional Manipulation
Series: Part 1 of The Better Angels
Summary:

Post-Savoureux. Will fights back.



Long and thinky, written between Hannibal S1 and S2, lots of Will behind bars doing his Will thing. It was really interesting to see how much of S2 must have been telegraphed in S1, because there were weird and satisfying areas of overlap between this suggested S2 and the canon one.



Odd One Out (27652 words) by thingswithwings
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Leverage
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Alec Hardison/Parker, Alec Hardison/Eliot Spencer, Parker/Eliot Spencer, Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer, Eliot Spencer/OC
Characters: Alec Hardison, Eliot Spencer, Parker, Sophie Devereaux (Leverage), Nathan Ford
Additional Tags: Partnership, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome, Non-Equilateral Triangle, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, Polyamory, Food, Queerplatonic Relationships, there is also very briefly a monkey, and equally briefly a plot
Summary:

"We should talk about Eliot," Alec says, at the same time Parker says, "We should have sex in a hammock."



A very distinctive OT3! I really love the way Parker is clearly neuroatypical, but perfectly adult and able to negotiate relationships and needs. And is also the boss of everyone.



Life of Crime (35399 words) by neveralarch
Chapters: 8/8
Fandom: Marvel 616, Hawkeye (Comics)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton, Clint Barton/Carol Danvers, Clint Barton & Kate Bishop, Kate Bishop/America Chavez, Barney Barton & Clint Barton
Characters: Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes, Carol Danvers, Kate Bishop, Barney Barton, Maya Lopez, Steve Rogers, Tracksuit Mafia, Lester | Bullseye
Additional Tags: Deaf Clint Barton, Edgeplay, Consensual Kink, Polyamory, Supervillain AU, also lots of other characters and implied pairings but these tags were starting to get out of hand
Summary:

As a supervillain supercriminal contract worker with a morality deficit, Clint Barton leads a glamorous life. You know, stolen cars, dangerous women, a really confusing relationship with a meddling do-gooder, the works. It's pretty awesome. Except for, uh, medical bills, the mob, and being on the run all the time. That part isn't all that awesome.

(A supervillain AU where Clint shoots arrows at people and gets beat up a lot. So, not really that much of an AU.)



This is my favourite thing for ages! It made me check out Matt Fraction's run on Hawkeye, which was so much fun. Lookit me, reading comics and keeping up to date for the first time in years! Anyway, this is awesome, and it has Carol, and America Chavez (so I'm also checking out Young Avengers for the first time in ages) and it's basically lured me back into comics and that's a thing I never thought would happen again.



Clint Barton’s Home for Wayward Mind Wiped Assassins (5772 words) by roguewrld
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton
Additional Tags: ficlet Friday, clint doesn't know #coulson lives, tony wants to get the band back together, but he's not in the fic
Summary:

“Where ever you were, whatever you did and whoever you did it for, it’s over. You need to pretend to be a person now, okay?”



So, Neveralarch's fic led me to Hawkeye comics, and the comics led me to this fic, and it's a really clever fusion of movieverse and comicsverse Clint, as he looks after post!Winter Soldier Bucky, and it's a WIP but I love it.


Hawkeye! Totally unexpected outcome! Once again, fanfic is a gateway to new canon.


Ugh I'm going to bed now.
st_aurafina: Rainbow DNA (Default)
URGENT ETA: Please don't describe the things you see when you google the thing I said not to google!

Last year I had a lot of concentration issues, and I really didn't keep track of what I read, what I started and never finished, what I put in the to-read pile. This year, I will do better! I know I read a lot of books last year, before I fell into the Mercedes Lackey epic re-read, but I didn't really think about it. So.


What have you just finished reading?
London Falling, by Paul Cornell

Someone on my flist - [personal profile] glinda, I think? - posted about this, and I remembered that I had tried it, and given up. She said that the start tripped her up at first, with a lot of police procedural talk. Which was the reason I put it down - I felt trapped in an episode of The Bill. So I picked it up again and pushed on and I really enjoyed it - the magic system was interesting, I loved the history and mythology of magical London and football culture, and the way the characters adapted to police work with magic was super cool. I'm looking forward to more from this series. (I presume it's a series? It's set up that way.)

Also, canon gay characters, canon POC characters. Yay.


Rivers of London, Ben Aaronovitch

Because I liked London Falling, and because I like the trope of 'London is old and full of magic', I gave this a go, too. Yeah, I liked it? Well enough? I adored the spirits of the rivers - I want all the fanart of them at their various gatherings. I liked Nightingale, I loved the Folly and Toby and Molly and Leslie. Took me a while to click with Peter, though; he's kind of an arsehole at the start. But we worked it out. I'll definitely read more. Because there is more. Needs moar queer tho. Lots more queer.


Divergent, by Veronica Roth
[Redacted rant about invisible queer people] We know all that. I should know better than to have picked that book up in the first place. I need to stop grabbing the ones that have all the buzz and the upcoming movie, and look for the ones that don't have all that attention.


What are you currently reading?
I've started Moon Over Soho, second in the Rivers of London series.


What do you think you'll read next?

I'm going to go plumb [tumblr.com profile] diversityinya. It's a good tumblr. [ETA: Going to read Inheritance, the sequel to Adaptation, by Malinda Lo.]



Other random thoughts I am thinking right now:

- I like cooking and baking, but I am crap at cakes. They're either weird and rubbery or dry and horrible. What is the secret of cakes? Why can I bake something complicated like bread, but not a cake?

Ditto for hummus. (Entirely prompted by someone's delicious homemade hummus on my flist, drool.) Why is tahini so gross? It grosses up my hummus, and I don't understand what I can substitute for it.



- It turns out my Harvest Box code is reusable, so if you're in Australia and you want to try out a service like Graze in the US, here: 86231FJMCVJ (You get two half-priced boxes, and I get a $4 discount.

It's working out pretty well for me; there's only been a couple that I really, really hated - the one with dried rockmelon (ugh, like bitter leather wrapped around my teeth) and the one with the spoopy berries that set off my things-with-holes phobia.

The website is here: HarvestBox, you get four snacks in one box, and as you rate them, they tweak what you get. So no more spoopy berries ever again, thank goodness because they were nasty. (They were dried white mulberries, don't google it if you have trypophobia and DO NOT GOOGLE TRYPOPHOBIA IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE IT. DO NOT. NO. GET A FRIEND TO DO IT. Ugh, even the word has too many holes for my comfort.)



- I wrote some fics for [community profile] fandom_stocking. Not as many as I would have liked, but since the mod has unfortunately been sucked into the polar vortex, I'm taking the opportunity to peck away at more. Stay safe, people in the icy north!



- I had a good therapy time on Tuesday, which involved a discussion of Klingon birthday rituals, and the visualisation of pain sticks becoming matchsticks. (In preparation for my family's heinous birthday season in April/May.)



- Every now and then I remember that Derek Jacobi is the narrator on In the Night Garden (of the genre of trippy British children's puppet shows) and will exhort you to catch the ninky-nonk. I think this is either really good or really terrifying, or maybe both. Sample at 2:25, under the cut.

Catch the ninky-nonk! )
st_aurafina: (Christma: Golden balls)
My family was not on its best behaviour this year, and I'm judging from the news and from my flist that I'm by far not alone here. I have spent the last couple of years working really hard on building coping mechanisms for when the fur is flying between the most dysfunctional of my family members. I'm getting better at not beating up on myself. Doesn't make it any easier to be around people at work who are excited about their families coming together. I'm getting to the place where I know that mine is never going to be a happy, close family.

You guys, my online friends, you guys are the ones who make this a safe space for me. I just wanted to share around some hugs, for people like me who need them right now. It's okay if this time of year isn't fun for you. It's okay to be kind to yourself.

 photo giraffeheadhug.jpg
st_aurafina: A shiny green chilli (Food: Green Chilli)
I'm dropping in and out of contact because my mental health is very iffy right now. I'm okay. I'm just having a lot of nights playing The Sims 2, because I have no concentration for words. I'm okay, just tired from crashing moods and doing all the mental gymnastics to try and offset panic attacks and slumps.

I keep saying I'm okay, though, even though it doesn't sound very okay. It is, because I feel like all the strategies and tools I'm learning are working. I think it's just that maybe therapy is like popping the hood on a car and looking at all the exposed workings of the engine, and it's scary to see that experience A elicits emotion Z, even though process K moderates it. Add to that, the process of facing things and not being scared of them is actually really exhausting.

So, watching sim!Myka make out with sim!HG is a balm. They raised a baby sim!Claudia! And they have a parrot called Artie. And Mrs Frederic has a teenage Leena, whom she wants to do very well at college.


On Sunday I juiced twenty lemons! I made lemon sour cream ice-cream (thanks, [personal profile] musesfool!), lemon syrup cake, and a double batch of lemon curd, then I froze about a cup and a half of lemon juice for later. Lemon juice = so, so bad for the cuticles.

And these mallow cookies. Marshmallow, guys. That's not a cooking process, it's like, biochemistry. Boiling sugar syrup and gelatin and egg whites. Weird. But I finally learned wtf a snickerdoodle is, at least.

And since I had the gelatin out, I made coffee jelly.

Actually, I think I might be stress baking.


I am trying to edit fic, but words? What are words? How do they work?
st_aurafina: woman in a tweedy jacket (Miss Fisher: Mac)
Brain is still holding steady, despite the rigours of Mother's Day and my birthday coming right after it. (Happy birthday to the three other fangirls I know born on the fourteenth: [personal profile] eumelia, [personal profile] lurkingcat and [livejournal.com profile] lost_spook.)

My plans for today were to get up at a reasonable hour (done!), cook beef stroganoff (in the oven, but I'm worried it's too salty, so I put a couple of potatoes in to soak it up while it's slow cooking), and clean the microwave (yet to be achieved has been done in the interim, yay!)


I thought I had bookmarked some lists of the best SGA episodes for newbs but I can't find them. Anyone know of any? I want to push through and try to keep watching while I'm feeling enthusiastic (and a lot of my regular shows have stopped or are about to stop.) I know that it's one of those shows where fandom enthusiasm possibly outweighs actual canon, but I'm used to that kind of thing. (Sixth Doctor fan, me.)


And I made some Mac icons, because looking at Mac's face is a fun thing to do while you're waiting for stroganoff to cook. (From Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries, and totally snagable)
Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket
st_aurafina: Natasha Romanova, looking down, against a rainbow background (Marvel: Natasha)
We watched the first part of the pilot episode for SGA tonight, and something clicked. I think, maybe this time, I'll be able to get into it? Like, finally. Still, it's weird to know all the characters from porn I've read. I'm prepared to recognise half the cast from Sanctuary - hey, Carson Beckett is Terrence Wexford! I'm not sure if he's prettier with or without a frill neck.


I have new glasses, new orthotics, a new software system at work (that one was hard work), and I'm going to two different aqua-aerobics classes a week now. I think I'm starting to level out, mental health wise, which is nice. I have an appointment with a new psychologist at the end of May. I feel like some kind of self-improvement project. The night before last, I had this amazing dream, where I sat by a fireplace and chatted with Sue Perkins, which doesn't sound like much, but it was really relaxed, and not at all like my dreams of late. But you know, any time Sue Perkins wants to drop by my dream for more than a chat, I have no complaints.


The Rarewomen archive is open, here. I wrote two fics:

Human Behaviour (G, Doctor Who, the TARDIS and Idris, with cameos by Ace, Leela, Tegan and Nyssa, and the Seventh and the Eleventh Doctor.)

and Happy New Year, (G, Doctor Who, Jo Grant and Mickey Smith)

(I'll probably post them to my journal tomorrow, for completeness, so apologies in advance for the spamination.)
st_aurafina: A ceramic head marked with phrenology detail  (Brain: Phrenology)
I think I'm in the process of breaking up with my therapist. I think the fact that I find this less wracking than going to see her tells me that I'm doing the right thing? *breathes deeply* I am not looking forward to finding another therapist. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I wish there was some way of knowing who is well-regarded, or what methods they practice. Otherwise, it's just choosing a name at random, and I don't think I can go through this process again, not the way I'm feeling right now.

I have writing deadlines coming up, and I've just got nothing. Nothing. I hate this feeling. All I can do right now is sew yo-yos and play Harvest Moon, and that's on a good day.

Ugh. So sick of this. Want to take my brain out and give it a bubble bath or something. It's full of beetles.


On the positive side, it's autumn, and the mornings are beautiful. We've been out and about at exactly the right time to see the sun rising over the fog that covers the valleys around here, and it reminds me of how much I love living here.

And we have a tribe of currawongs camped out in the back yard. There's seven or eight of them, and they spend most of the evening quordling to the world, presumably about how awesome it is to be a fucking huge piebald bird with elite problem solving skills. We call it "Isn't it awfully nice to be a magpie!"

I recorded them tonight, in some kind of shouting fest with the corellas.

It's a jungle out there!

The recording is just one minute of what you can hear from our balcony. The screeching, clattering noises are the corellas, they're sitting in the gum trees. The melodic sound is the currawongs, they're striding up and down the backyard like they own it. Which basically they do. I don't mind.

So anyway

Jan. 12th, 2012 10:28 pm
st_aurafina: Rainy day, person with a rainbow umbrella in the distance  (Rainbow umbrella)
Feeling a lot better after venting about therapy, thank you everyone. The decision I've come to is to go to the next (and possibly last) appointment armed with greater understanding of her technique. If I don't walk out of that room feeling 100% reassured, I'll be looking for someone else. Which is a bummer, but less of a bummer than how I feel lately.

In the mean time, while I'm plotting out [livejournal.com profile] fivetimesbb (Working title: Five Times the Warehouse Called on the Sanctuary), I'm also ogling [community profile] queer_bigbang (which seems to be based on the principles of [livejournal.com profile] lgbtfest, so, about the experience of being queer.) As well as that, I'm checking out the nominated characters at [livejournal.com profile] rarewomen (nominations post here!)

And, because I'm a champion multi-tasker, I'm watching Sue Perkins on youtube. When I'm sad, I watch her conducting the theme for The Simpsons on Maestro, a BBC reality show that took celebrities and taught them to conduct an orchestra. AS YOU DO.

Sue wears a purple zoot-suit. It's just... I have to link it.

Guaranteed pick-me-up under the cut )

Hi Sue! I think I love you lots.

Okay, now I'm just boring myself with my own crush.
st_aurafina: A ceramic head marked with phrenology detail  (Brain: Phrenology)
Have been in caves, sat by the sea, eaten strange cheeses, drunk many wines, saw an echidna crossing the road (to get to the other side, boomtish!) and have a date with penguins tonight.

Am currently drinking wine AT LUNCHTIME and watching Princess Tutu. Do not want to marry Mr Cat. What is this, I don't even know.

Hey, anyone want a postcard from far-off places? Comments are screened, leave me an address.

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st_aurafina: Rainbow DNA (Default)
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