It's Euro-madness!
May. 19th, 2006 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
st_aurafinaI love the Eurovision song competition. It's my birthday present every year. Tonight was the semi-final, and on Sunday it's the final.
It all works like this: every country puts up an act. They perform on TV, and then Europe votes. Each country is not allowed to vote for its own artist. There are massive voting bloc controversies, there's drama and tears, and there's incredibly bad music. And some good music. I love Eurovision, it's a big, wonky circus of joy.
The announcer (who is always plastered, so this may not be true) said that the US is working up its own version of Eurovision. I'm not sure that it would work, but you never know.
There are 23 countries in the semi-final. Serbia dropped out because of a song-selection scandal.
Armenia: This is only going to be relevant to Australians, but doesn't it look like this guy is the bastard child of Anthony Callea and Shannon Noll? For non-Aussies, these are the two guys who came second in the first two rounds of Australian Idol. It's not really worth the explaining. So, the bastard child of two Idol runners-up is sent to Armenia and force grown under a Soviet nuclear program. He enters Eurovision, and his dancers start off washing their hair in a communal cauldron. Then they sing, and dance, and the girls wear giant stretchy suspenders attached to their feet. This is a classic Eurovision performance. Armenia nail it in their first year.
Bulgaria: Starts off with some really swishy dancing. They're all in costumes from the local calisthenics competition. Weirdly, among this glamour, are some boys in jeans on the outside – what are they for? Bulgaria has focused a lot of their Euro-budget into the wig department. Everyone has hair down to their waists. The guy doing the ethnic singing has an incredible silver mullet, and drag queen make-up. And a silver satin sarong. Next year, they should forgo wigs, and spend the money on a song.
Slovenia: There's this theory at the moment about how we remerged with the chimps six million years ago, then we separated again into two different species, all except for this guy, who has an incredible forehead, enhanced by his massive mullet. His trashy dancers are wearing half a cocktail dress each. One has pants, so I think she must have kind of disfiguring condition, or have been burnt by acid . He can sing though, and thus pwns Bulgaria. And Armenia.
Andorra: A va-voom hot blonde girl (of the fuller figure, which is my kind of thing).
Her dancers are classily trashy, which means that they're in lingerie and dance suggestively on chairs. I mean, they're not trying to pretend they're anything else. Song's not bad, kind of sultry. Yeah, that was kind of hot.
Belarus: Hot pants, a racy split shirt (with a modesty panel), stripey sailor tops, and leggings under denim skirts. All this act needs is break dancers. Ah, that's the ticket. Also, that song was rubbish.
Albania: Get points from me for having national costume, and ethnic instruments. The song was okay. Nothing to write to Albania about.
Belgium: This girl's Britney in a Mariah dress. And she bought her own boom-mike-holding men, with light-sabre mike stands. And those guys, they're wearing black leather corsets over their shirts. This is fetish-land. It's just a little bit wrong, especially when they fall into formation and dance. They've turned on the fans, set off some crackers, got every cheap special effect I can think of, except that they didn't tear her dress off.
Ireland: Oh Ireland. I have this theory that after winning seven times, they're sick of the whole Euro-game, and do their best not to win. This guy is apparently a big fish of some sort. Maybe he's from Boyzone? Anyway, he looks like Colin Farrell's chubby cousin. He brought along his priest to sing back-up. Look, Irish dude, the ballads never win. Oh, he's down on one knee? This song is turgid and dreary: I hold to my theory of self-sabotage. The Irish do not want to win.
Cyprus: Cyprus tries really hard. Sometimes they have good songs. "My Love Grows Stronger Every Minute" nearly did it a few years back. Unfortunately, this year Cyprus wants to show that inside the heart of every Cypriot girl is a trashy Diane Warren-style crappy ballad belted out in bland and over-polished style. That said, this girl did put more heart into it than Ireland. And her lips were pneumatic.
Monaco: Hula? WTF? Monaco, clearly, is a Polynesian nation. With hunky faux-native guys dancing. Is it wrong for me to want those two boys to kiss? It is, I know. But they keep looking at each other and licking their lips. It must mean something. This is a rubbish song, but it's cute and wrong like pineapple on pizza.
FYROM: So street. But it actually works for me. It's a bit slavic, a bit latin, and she's working it. And she can dance. The dancers are okay, and not too intrusive. Classy. I liked it.
Poland: Remember that rapper from East 17? Poland kidnapped him. Then they grabbed some Cirque du Soleil people, and for good measure, a girl who sings in sign language. The man with green hair and epaulettes bigger than his head was a nice touch. Fireworks – tick! Keychange – tick! Masks on sticks – tick! Pulling off the dress – tick! Grand piano – tick! Yep, they had everything in this performance but a song.
Russia: Remember Tatu? No, me either. Russia is always, always, always in the bottom three. And there wasn't even time to get rid of Poland's piano. But they brought some ballerinas, which entirely makes up for the guy with the skeevy mullet and the grotty singlet. Now he's dancing on the piano, that's good improvisation with some other people's props. Wait – THERE'S A CHICK COMING OUT OF THE PIANO! She's just rising up out of a bloody patch that I thought was a cloak that the Polish Cirque du Soleil people left behind, but clearly is meant to be the opening to the piano's birth canal. She's just a torso, you know, but she's a very expressive torso. Now she sprinkles rose petals. Wow. That was like a bit from a horror movie.
Turkey: Turkey won a few years back with a bellydancing routine, and like the Swedes who can never forget ABBA, they tend to stick to a theme. But this year it's a tattooed, Gwen Stefani-esqe woman in a miniature gold dress. It's super-disco. It's super-bling. It's not bad, actually. Oh, here comes the belly dance – see, they can't let go. But it's all kind of stylised, it's kind of working for me. The dancers are good, they have stars on their belts. She has presence. I like it. I get it – she's like Debbie Harry, she's super-evolved. She's really good. And she has muscular shoulders. It's good. Let them into the EU right now. I hope they go through.
Ukraine: Ukraine won two years ago, with Ruslana, the music ethnologist in fur boots. She cracked whips, she had an all-singing, all-dancing harem of fur-clad men. She won, and now she's in parliament. It's a hard act to follow.
Wow. Female cossack dancers. Yeah, this is good. She's softer than Ruslana, less likely to drag you away with her whip around your neck. She's all golden and round. Are they skipping? Yes, cossack skipping. Now they are twirling, twirling towards freedom. It's still good. I like it. She's confident, it's a good song. She yodels. And now tambourines! That was really good.
Finland: Holy. Shit. Finnish Rob Zombie. There are orcs. The keyboardist is a zombie in an Elizabethan ruff. The lead singer has goat legs. This is some freaking awsome stuff. His mike is an axe. Hard Rock Hallelujah. He has eleven inch platforms. He's paralysed, he can't move. But fear not, HE HAS WINGS! THEY GROW! OUT! I can't handle this awesomeness any more. Sparks are coming out of the guitars. This is, oh, wow, I'm so, this is the best Eurovision thing I've ever seen. Apparently there was some kind of controversy about this one. Can't see why. That was massive.
Netherlands: Girls holding drums with their nethers. So this is some kind of Africa=earth=integrity thing, here. See, in Eurovision, there's a tradition of doing really kitsch numbers, and it only works if the artists really believe in their kitsch, and these girls, they just don't. And I bet they have some poor unattributed kid singing as their pseudo-ethnic sample. This is very lazy. Oh, I hear they invented their language, for this song. The Belgians did three years ago, with Urban Trad. Only Urban Trad were good.
Lithuania: It's kind of Il Divo crossed with that Romancing the Stone theme song. And they sing "We are the wnners of Eurovision, so vote, vote vote for the winners". They wrote this song out the back five minutes ago. They grabbed the backstage manager's megaphone, and made up some funky dance. Is it subliminal? Is it a comedy act? They're very synchronised. It gets in your head. They say they are the winners, so they must therefore be the winners. Apparently, they are the biggest alternative music stars in Lithuania. They'll probably win.
Portugal: It's Pussycat dolls meets 1985, in leotards and superwide belts. They have those semi-hats people wear to the races, called fascinators. But they can't sing. They really can't. And they can't dance. It looks like one of those hen's night karaoke disasters, where you wear phallic objects on your head, and sing and take off your gear. The girls look like real girls, though, so that's a plus. I think that maybe they all got together last night at a bar and decided to have a go at that Eurovision thing.
Sweden: Sweden has Euro-issues. Every year is an attempt to recapture the glory of ABBA. This year they've brought Carola back, a previous winner from about 8 years ago. Her train is very, very, very big. But otherwise, she looks like she's wrapped in gold foil. No, this isn't good. Love is like a miracle, you know, classic Swedish lyrics. She's wearing five different costumes.Oh, look, flag wavers! Her back up singers are flag wavers. But it's still a chopped up and re-arranged ABBA song, and it's crap. Let it go, Sweden, for your own national pride, try something different. God, that key change nearly killed me. God, what rubbish.
Estonia: Estonia is usually quite good, but this is very disco-trad. And she's obviously some kind of WWF star, because her belt is bigger than her head, no, bigger than her head and my head put together. (I have a very large head.) I hope it's made of aluminium, or she may strain her womanly parts. Everyone has made their costume out of the same big piece of white vinyl, and a similar sized piece of blue satin. It's not really working for me. And when will they stop these fucking key changes? It's like jogging upstairs, or being put on the rack. It never works. Or maybe one time in twenty. Oh, she's Swedish, I see. Estonia, right, they exported Vanilla Ninja to Switzerland last year, so maybe they organised some kind of cross-Europe exchange? It's a bit like football teams, the countries trade their singers. Germany has an Aussie singing this year.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: I like the diorama thing with all the frozen people and their instruments. This is kitsch, but the difference between this and the Netherlands is that these guys believe it. It's very soulful, and they have a sexy girl on the piano accordion. And it's classy and all in white. And they believe it, and they're enjoying it. That was really good. That blows Feminem (B&H's super-harmony girl-pop group from last year) out of the water.
Iceland – as she came onstage, she got booed, apparently for making jokes about Greek organisation. She's doing Ginger Spice at the Moulin Rouge. With a giant candy cane. And people in cryo-storage who turned out to be wearing those Mexican wrestling masks. And she has a giant shoe slide. Is this some kind of avant-garde performance art? The candy cane ejaculated silver stuff. They're taking her clothes off, and she's squeaking like a mouse. The guys just tore off their pants and hopped. She's on the phone to God. This is just, I mean, is it some kind of modern art? Is it ironic?
So that's all of the semi-finalists. Ten will go through to the finals on Sunday.
Who do I think should go through?
Andorra, Turkey, FYROM, Ukraine, Finland, Lithuania, Sweden will but it shouldn't, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Monaco, Slovenia.
Who does go through?
Russia, Turkey, FYROM, Ukraine, Finland, Lithuania, Sweden, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Ireland, Armenia.
That was great. I love the semi-final/final system. I can't wait until Sunday.
It all works like this: every country puts up an act. They perform on TV, and then Europe votes. Each country is not allowed to vote for its own artist. There are massive voting bloc controversies, there's drama and tears, and there's incredibly bad music. And some good music. I love Eurovision, it's a big, wonky circus of joy.
The announcer (who is always plastered, so this may not be true) said that the US is working up its own version of Eurovision. I'm not sure that it would work, but you never know.
There are 23 countries in the semi-final. Serbia dropped out because of a song-selection scandal.
Armenia: This is only going to be relevant to Australians, but doesn't it look like this guy is the bastard child of Anthony Callea and Shannon Noll? For non-Aussies, these are the two guys who came second in the first two rounds of Australian Idol. It's not really worth the explaining. So, the bastard child of two Idol runners-up is sent to Armenia and force grown under a Soviet nuclear program. He enters Eurovision, and his dancers start off washing their hair in a communal cauldron. Then they sing, and dance, and the girls wear giant stretchy suspenders attached to their feet. This is a classic Eurovision performance. Armenia nail it in their first year.
Bulgaria: Starts off with some really swishy dancing. They're all in costumes from the local calisthenics competition. Weirdly, among this glamour, are some boys in jeans on the outside – what are they for? Bulgaria has focused a lot of their Euro-budget into the wig department. Everyone has hair down to their waists. The guy doing the ethnic singing has an incredible silver mullet, and drag queen make-up. And a silver satin sarong. Next year, they should forgo wigs, and spend the money on a song.
Slovenia: There's this theory at the moment about how we remerged with the chimps six million years ago, then we separated again into two different species, all except for this guy, who has an incredible forehead, enhanced by his massive mullet. His trashy dancers are wearing half a cocktail dress each. One has pants, so I think she must have kind of disfiguring condition, or have been burnt by acid . He can sing though, and thus pwns Bulgaria. And Armenia.
Andorra: A va-voom hot blonde girl (of the fuller figure, which is my kind of thing).
Her dancers are classily trashy, which means that they're in lingerie and dance suggestively on chairs. I mean, they're not trying to pretend they're anything else. Song's not bad, kind of sultry. Yeah, that was kind of hot.
Belarus: Hot pants, a racy split shirt (with a modesty panel), stripey sailor tops, and leggings under denim skirts. All this act needs is break dancers. Ah, that's the ticket. Also, that song was rubbish.
Albania: Get points from me for having national costume, and ethnic instruments. The song was okay. Nothing to write to Albania about.
Belgium: This girl's Britney in a Mariah dress. And she bought her own boom-mike-holding men, with light-sabre mike stands. And those guys, they're wearing black leather corsets over their shirts. This is fetish-land. It's just a little bit wrong, especially when they fall into formation and dance. They've turned on the fans, set off some crackers, got every cheap special effect I can think of, except that they didn't tear her dress off.
Ireland: Oh Ireland. I have this theory that after winning seven times, they're sick of the whole Euro-game, and do their best not to win. This guy is apparently a big fish of some sort. Maybe he's from Boyzone? Anyway, he looks like Colin Farrell's chubby cousin. He brought along his priest to sing back-up. Look, Irish dude, the ballads never win. Oh, he's down on one knee? This song is turgid and dreary: I hold to my theory of self-sabotage. The Irish do not want to win.
Cyprus: Cyprus tries really hard. Sometimes they have good songs. "My Love Grows Stronger Every Minute" nearly did it a few years back. Unfortunately, this year Cyprus wants to show that inside the heart of every Cypriot girl is a trashy Diane Warren-style crappy ballad belted out in bland and over-polished style. That said, this girl did put more heart into it than Ireland. And her lips were pneumatic.
Monaco: Hula? WTF? Monaco, clearly, is a Polynesian nation. With hunky faux-native guys dancing. Is it wrong for me to want those two boys to kiss? It is, I know. But they keep looking at each other and licking their lips. It must mean something. This is a rubbish song, but it's cute and wrong like pineapple on pizza.
FYROM: So street. But it actually works for me. It's a bit slavic, a bit latin, and she's working it. And she can dance. The dancers are okay, and not too intrusive. Classy. I liked it.
Poland: Remember that rapper from East 17? Poland kidnapped him. Then they grabbed some Cirque du Soleil people, and for good measure, a girl who sings in sign language. The man with green hair and epaulettes bigger than his head was a nice touch. Fireworks – tick! Keychange – tick! Masks on sticks – tick! Pulling off the dress – tick! Grand piano – tick! Yep, they had everything in this performance but a song.
Russia: Remember Tatu? No, me either. Russia is always, always, always in the bottom three. And there wasn't even time to get rid of Poland's piano. But they brought some ballerinas, which entirely makes up for the guy with the skeevy mullet and the grotty singlet. Now he's dancing on the piano, that's good improvisation with some other people's props. Wait – THERE'S A CHICK COMING OUT OF THE PIANO! She's just rising up out of a bloody patch that I thought was a cloak that the Polish Cirque du Soleil people left behind, but clearly is meant to be the opening to the piano's birth canal. She's just a torso, you know, but she's a very expressive torso. Now she sprinkles rose petals. Wow. That was like a bit from a horror movie.
Turkey: Turkey won a few years back with a bellydancing routine, and like the Swedes who can never forget ABBA, they tend to stick to a theme. But this year it's a tattooed, Gwen Stefani-esqe woman in a miniature gold dress. It's super-disco. It's super-bling. It's not bad, actually. Oh, here comes the belly dance – see, they can't let go. But it's all kind of stylised, it's kind of working for me. The dancers are good, they have stars on their belts. She has presence. I like it. I get it – she's like Debbie Harry, she's super-evolved. She's really good. And she has muscular shoulders. It's good. Let them into the EU right now. I hope they go through.
Ukraine: Ukraine won two years ago, with Ruslana, the music ethnologist in fur boots. She cracked whips, she had an all-singing, all-dancing harem of fur-clad men. She won, and now she's in parliament. It's a hard act to follow.
Wow. Female cossack dancers. Yeah, this is good. She's softer than Ruslana, less likely to drag you away with her whip around your neck. She's all golden and round. Are they skipping? Yes, cossack skipping. Now they are twirling, twirling towards freedom. It's still good. I like it. She's confident, it's a good song. She yodels. And now tambourines! That was really good.
Finland: Holy. Shit. Finnish Rob Zombie. There are orcs. The keyboardist is a zombie in an Elizabethan ruff. The lead singer has goat legs. This is some freaking awsome stuff. His mike is an axe. Hard Rock Hallelujah. He has eleven inch platforms. He's paralysed, he can't move. But fear not, HE HAS WINGS! THEY GROW! OUT! I can't handle this awesomeness any more. Sparks are coming out of the guitars. This is, oh, wow, I'm so, this is the best Eurovision thing I've ever seen. Apparently there was some kind of controversy about this one. Can't see why. That was massive.
Netherlands: Girls holding drums with their nethers. So this is some kind of Africa=earth=integrity thing, here. See, in Eurovision, there's a tradition of doing really kitsch numbers, and it only works if the artists really believe in their kitsch, and these girls, they just don't. And I bet they have some poor unattributed kid singing as their pseudo-ethnic sample. This is very lazy. Oh, I hear they invented their language, for this song. The Belgians did three years ago, with Urban Trad. Only Urban Trad were good.
Lithuania: It's kind of Il Divo crossed with that Romancing the Stone theme song. And they sing "We are the wnners of Eurovision, so vote, vote vote for the winners". They wrote this song out the back five minutes ago. They grabbed the backstage manager's megaphone, and made up some funky dance. Is it subliminal? Is it a comedy act? They're very synchronised. It gets in your head. They say they are the winners, so they must therefore be the winners. Apparently, they are the biggest alternative music stars in Lithuania. They'll probably win.
Portugal: It's Pussycat dolls meets 1985, in leotards and superwide belts. They have those semi-hats people wear to the races, called fascinators. But they can't sing. They really can't. And they can't dance. It looks like one of those hen's night karaoke disasters, where you wear phallic objects on your head, and sing and take off your gear. The girls look like real girls, though, so that's a plus. I think that maybe they all got together last night at a bar and decided to have a go at that Eurovision thing.
Sweden: Sweden has Euro-issues. Every year is an attempt to recapture the glory of ABBA. This year they've brought Carola back, a previous winner from about 8 years ago. Her train is very, very, very big. But otherwise, she looks like she's wrapped in gold foil. No, this isn't good. Love is like a miracle, you know, classic Swedish lyrics. She's wearing five different costumes.Oh, look, flag wavers! Her back up singers are flag wavers. But it's still a chopped up and re-arranged ABBA song, and it's crap. Let it go, Sweden, for your own national pride, try something different. God, that key change nearly killed me. God, what rubbish.
Estonia: Estonia is usually quite good, but this is very disco-trad. And she's obviously some kind of WWF star, because her belt is bigger than her head, no, bigger than her head and my head put together. (I have a very large head.) I hope it's made of aluminium, or she may strain her womanly parts. Everyone has made their costume out of the same big piece of white vinyl, and a similar sized piece of blue satin. It's not really working for me. And when will they stop these fucking key changes? It's like jogging upstairs, or being put on the rack. It never works. Or maybe one time in twenty. Oh, she's Swedish, I see. Estonia, right, they exported Vanilla Ninja to Switzerland last year, so maybe they organised some kind of cross-Europe exchange? It's a bit like football teams, the countries trade their singers. Germany has an Aussie singing this year.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: I like the diorama thing with all the frozen people and their instruments. This is kitsch, but the difference between this and the Netherlands is that these guys believe it. It's very soulful, and they have a sexy girl on the piano accordion. And it's classy and all in white. And they believe it, and they're enjoying it. That was really good. That blows Feminem (B&H's super-harmony girl-pop group from last year) out of the water.
Iceland – as she came onstage, she got booed, apparently for making jokes about Greek organisation. She's doing Ginger Spice at the Moulin Rouge. With a giant candy cane. And people in cryo-storage who turned out to be wearing those Mexican wrestling masks. And she has a giant shoe slide. Is this some kind of avant-garde performance art? The candy cane ejaculated silver stuff. They're taking her clothes off, and she's squeaking like a mouse. The guys just tore off their pants and hopped. She's on the phone to God. This is just, I mean, is it some kind of modern art? Is it ironic?
So that's all of the semi-finalists. Ten will go through to the finals on Sunday.
Who do I think should go through?
Andorra, Turkey, FYROM, Ukraine, Finland, Lithuania, Sweden will but it shouldn't, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Monaco, Slovenia.
Who does go through?
Russia, Turkey, FYROM, Ukraine, Finland, Lithuania, Sweden, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Ireland, Armenia.
That was great. I love the semi-final/final system. I can't wait until Sunday.
