My brain feels like it's been through a pasta machine

[st_aurafina]

I am weaning off escitalopram because I can't handle the flattening thing anymore. It's mashed my ability to initiate actions. For example, at the moment I'm getting up at 6:30am so I can make it to work by 9am. (I live less than five minutes drive from work.) I'm arriving at work without having done all the anxiety self-care things I need to do like meditate and go for a little walk in the garden. All I can get done is the basics: wash, put on clothes, take meds, eat breakfast. And even then, I'm arriving while I'm still chewing the last of my cereal. It's a mess.

I haven't written in a month. All I do is play Subnautica and crochet and hug kitties. That's not such a bad existence, but still. At least it's not too hot this week.

Also, lilacsigil saw a white-bellied sea eagle today (I was looking the wrong way, damn it!) which kind of gives me hope, in this environmentapalooza. (They're a recovering species. Something is going right. One thing, anyway.)

Fandom Things
- via senmut, Multifandom Friendship meme.
Go make friends! I mean, if you want. No pressure.

- there's also a friending meme at halfamoon, here. Go meet other fans of female characters.
(Ack, that means halfamoon is nearly over and I didn't write anything. Ugh, brain.)

- justcreate - A place for crafters, artists, coders, and creators of any variety to share their projects.

- via timetobegin (who btw runs some excellent icon communities): How to Screencap: A Screencap Guide
(Turns out I have a program that can do this?? I did not even know...)

Feelgood things:
- via princessofgeeks, at Captain Awkward's Patreon: Some Social Media & Media Engagement Hygiene And Self-Care Lessons I've Learned From Spending Several Years On This Hellmouth

- PhD 2048
I'm sorry, person who linked this, I didn't note down your name in my haste to play this iteration of the game. I do not have a PhD and only spent a year in academia but I still find this process hilarious: coffee -> panini -> idea -> code -> etc. Sometimes you get garbage! Sometimes there's a random relationship with a ticking clock. (2048 is a particularly good zone-out game for me.)

- This internet rabbit hole I fell down, starting with an ASL version of Ariana Grande's Seven Rings by an EXTREMELY attractive man in a mesh shirt.
It starts with a post by kayim42, which I'd link to but it's locked, so here's the original:
Nyle DiMarco in 7 Rings (ASL Version).
(I thought, "That's a pretty man, who is he?" Turns out he was on Dancing with the Stars. And Top Model.)

This led to the full youtube video: Ariana Grande "7 rings" | ASL VERSION with Nyle DiMarco.
(I do love an ASL music video.)

And that led me to this video: Nyle DiMarco & Chella Man Teach Us Queer Sign Language, which was great, especially learning the etymology of the sign for trans.
Chella: *makes the sign for trans* It encompasses 'beautiful', 'myself' and 'becoming. It's a beautiful sign.
(It is a beautiful sign, fluid and centred on the heart. Intrinsically beautiful, as well as beautiful in meaning.)

So, a short drop down the rabbit hole, but a very pretty one.


Podcasts I'm enjoying:
- Ologies with Alie Ward, which is a podcast about sciences.
I'd recommend Egyptology with Kara Cooney, and Testudinology with Amanda Hipps.

- David Tennant Does a Podcast, which is basically what it says on the bottle. I listened to the first one with Olivia Colman and it was delightful. (He calls her 'Collie' and she calls him 'DT'.) The next one is Whoopi Goldberg.

- Monster S2: The Zodiac Killer - the first season, when they covered the Atlanta Monster was really intense and confronting, and I bailed on it. Zodiac has a little distance, maybe because of the hype? A lot of the story is the hype itself, and that is really interesting to me, as well as this peek into the way police departments had to learn on the fly how to deal with this kind of killer.

- Shelf Life, from the Newberry Library in Chicago. I listened to 'Mourning Glory' about the Victorian culture of death and mourning.

- The Case of Charles Dexter Ward from BBC Four. It's a dramatisation of the HP Lovecraft novel, as if it were being investigated by podcast journalists. Modernised, therefore less rabidly racist than Lovecraft usually is. Good and spoopy!


I understand it's a snowpocalypse for the northern hemisphere people. Please stay safe and warm. (Anyone want a scarf? I've made a bunch of scarves...)

Comments

[thisbluespirit]

Being flattened is no fun! Good luck with the change of medication. :-/

Btw. halfamoon is for female characters, not femslash specifically, and the friending meme is the same, so there are people in it who also like gen and het and poly things too.

[st_aurafina]

Oh! I'll go edit that link to halfamoon asap, thanks.

[andraste]

Thank you for letting me know about The Case of Charles Dexter Ward! It's one of my favourite Lovecraft stories, and the idea of an adaptation that skips the racism is very appealing.

And good luck becoming un-flattened!

[st_aurafina]

I should add the caveat that I haven't finished the series yet? But it's pretty decent so far.

[schneefink]

I got to Conference! And then failed at managing the garbage, so all in all the game seems pretty realistic ;)

Good luck with your brain stuff! Difficulty initiating actions sucks. *looks around, winces, should maybe go put on some clothes and eat something*

[st_aurafina]

So much garbage! But at least you can disappear it...

Initiating is so hard.

[yuuago]

It's nice to hear from you. :)
Yeah, if it's giving you that much trouble, best to come off of it, I think....

Luckily I think my area might be almost finished with snowpocalypse - it's very cold here right now, but at a level normal for the time of year.

[st_aurafina]

Yes, I definitely think benefit is being outweighed by side-effects at this point.

I love hearing about your snow and your cold! Especially when it's so warm here.

[heartonsnow]

Yes we had snow! even here in London which is very rare because of ambient heat.

I have often blogged about the downside of meds and how they stop you functioning but in a different way to the no-med way. I think management is a better way than meds.

[st_aurafina]

Ehh, meds are great for a lot of people. I think it's very individualised. But overall, therapy and exercise is better for me than medication.

[maplemood]

Oh, I'd never heard of Monster before--I'm always on the lookout for new true crime podcasts to try out, so thanks!

[st_aurafina]

It's good in terms of research - lots of archival audio, which helps set the scene.

Would you like more recs? I am a bit of a magpie for podcasts, and I love true crime.

[ambyr]

I actually do need a scarf (damn wool moths ate mine), but trans-oceanic shipping being what it is, I suspect procuring one from Australia will not be cost-effective ;-).

[st_aurafina]

I'll mail over the ocean! What do you like? (Fibre choice, length... I just finished a short buttoned cowl in soft pastels that I am pleased with.)

[monanotlisa]

Yeah, in the True North -- though NorCal does have its issues; the rainfall has been heavy this year. This is good re: drought and all: We were at 105% in January and are doing even better now in our water reservoirs in the Sierra Nevada. But no one here can drive for shit even in good weather, and infrastructure in general is always thrown into a tailspin.

[st_aurafina]

Yeah, I have heard it's a problem when it snows in the warmer places! Poor befuddled drivers!

[laurajv]

wait, escitalopram does that?

I've been having HORRIBLE problems with that, but I need the mood management. Guess it's time to talk to my doc.

[st_aurafina]

Yeah, for some people? It's anecdata, but still, when I told the doctor I wasn't happy with it, she said without prompting, "With the emotional flattening?"

I'm not finding the weaning too bad, though I've heard other people had trouble with escitalopram. I'm going down in 5mg intervals - I'm on 5mg right now - and I haven't had zaps or anything too drastic.

[colls]

I've been waking later and later these past couple months and it's beginning to have an impact. All the "do it in the morning" advice is SO HARD.
*guh

Thank you for this list of great links and comms!

[st_aurafina]

All the "do it in the morning" advice is SO HARD.

Isn't it?? Argh why can't I do all the things at night when my brain is working?

[snickfic]

That Lovecraft dramatization sounds delightful. I will have to check it out. Thanks for the link! And best of luck re: your medication troubles. :(

[st_aurafina]

I hope you enjoy it! I haven't finished it yet, so it may turn terrible at the end? But it's BBC 4, and they're usually pretty decent that way.

[kore]

These are great! I love good links lists, they're kind of like virtual presents.

[st_aurafina]

You're welcome! And I love links lists too - I love hoarding the links, I love reading other peoples. It's good networking!

[auroracloud]

Sorry to hear you're having such trouble from escitalopram! I was on it for a while (a while = 9 or 10 months) but eventually a doctor switched me over to another because it just wasn't working for me. I didn't really notice any bad side-effects, but then again, I was in a weird state of mind and a weird life situation all that time anyway, so goodness only knows what would have been normal. Hope brain chemistry gets better for you soon-ish! ♥

[st_aurafina]

Yeah, I think our brains are very individualised that it's hard to get a reading on what works and what doesn't until you actually take the damn stuff. It's a clumsy way to do things. I want Star Trek level medicine, damn it!

Awwww, Nyssa!! *uses Tegan icon to keep her company*

[out_there]

Thank you for the podcast link. I'm going to check that out.

[st_aurafina]

You are welcome!! <3

Other podcasts

[ducened]

I recently listened to the podcasts Wolverine: the Long Night and The Angel of Vine. Angel is a fictionalized true crime podcast; Wolverine is more of a murder mystery (also obviously fiction). I believe there will be a second season of both, eventually. Both are also full-cast, so if you prefer single or few voices, that’s something to be aware of.

Re: Other podcasts

[st_aurafina]

Oooh, I have Wolverine: The Long Night queued up, but I haven't yet taken that leap into the first episode. I don't mind full cast recordings, but sometimes I need a little push to give them a try. (This could be that push! Thank you!)

[tamsin]

I'm sorry the escitalopram isn't working for you. Meds can be such a hassle.

[adafrog]

Hope you get better soon.

And I am *always* looking the wrong way when some cool bird is around.

[st_aurafina]

And I am *always* looking the wrong way when some cool bird is around.

ME TOO! It's uncanny. It's like a super power.

[senmut]

Be well, my dear friend.

[st_aurafina]

Thank you, lovely. *hugshugshugs*

[umadoshi]

Ugh, I'm sorry the escitalopram had that effect; good luck with coming off it. *hugs*

My corner of Canada hasn't had full-on snowpocalypse (*knocks wood*), but we have nasty weather inbound overnight and tomorrow. Yuck.

[st_aurafina]

My corner of Canada hasn't had full-on snowpocalypse

I kind of imagined your corner of Canada was like, super ultra cold? I'm really glad that you haven't had the full snowpocalypse though!!

[singe]

Dratted meds, hang in there. And thanks for the links!

[st_aurafina]

You're very welcome!!

[tinny]

I like snow! It is nice! (Also, we haven't had new snow in days, so things are actually boring here right now.)

Good luck with the weaning off, it really sounds like the stuff is not doing you good.

Thanks for the PhD 2048 link. It contains enough new gimmicks to make it interesting again!

[st_aurafina]

I have only seen snow once (maybe twice??) so I have no clue - it always looks nice? But I imagine it can get miserable after a while.

The weaning is going pretty well so far, and I think I'm feeling a bit better in terms of flattening.

You're welcome. 2048 is a great game, and the changes are fun!

[corvidology]

I'm sorry the meds aren't working well. It took a change of doctor and a complete change of meds to get mine under control without being zombified.

[st_aurafina]

It's going okay so far - as it clears out of the system, I feel like lights are coming on bit by bit.

Sometimes the meds thing feels like a carousel - new drug, round we go again.

[vass]

It's good to see you again.

It's mashed my ability to initiate actions.

Not fun at all. <333 (and a pretty common failure mode of autistic brains under stress or medsfail, if you didn't already know) I hope it gets better for you soon.

I'm sorry, person who linked this, I didn't note down your name in my haste to play this iteration of the game.

I got it from kaberett, so you might have gotten it from them or me?

If you want more bite-sized undemanding games, I got some good recs when I asked for them here.

[st_aurafina]

Oh, I remember that post, it was excellent. Thank you for the reminder!