Trying to teach my computer to spell amitriptyline

[st_aurafina]

Eleven millionth try at making a post. I have been very slumpy and garbage-headed. There have been actual panic attacks for the first time in ages, and self-harm thoughts, and no sleep, and all that anxiety crap.

I saw a locum doctor and she was twelve, so I helped her decide that I needed some more medical support and that support would be amitriptyline 10mg at night. I dream of a doctor that will actually give me medical advice. (And since I'm dreaming, a doctor who is LGBT friendly rather than oblivious and likely to freak out if I even ask if they're LGBT friendly.)

The amitriptyline is working though: my mood is slowly elevating, I can sleep, and a work day doesn't strip me back to bare bones with exhaustion. I can write this entry! I'm still wanting to sit still with headphones on and crochet all day, but there's no harm in that. I have made a lot of hats.

I managed to get a Yuletide letter written, and and my sign-up done in time. I love my assignment and will love writing it. I wrote a last minute treat for femslashex.

I've got so many fics to post - some from fandomgiftbox that need posting here, and some unposted for 15kisses that are written but I can't seem to find the energy to actually post. And I need to plan for NaNo: I've got a sequel to Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters to write, my never-ending fixit fic for S5 of Person of Interest to finish, and my super never-ending post-Winter Soldier road trip fic to finish. I think the Winter Soldier one is closing in on the end? I think??

And I have made no Christmas cards. And I'm out of sympathy cards. (I make my own sympathy cards because I need them quite frequently, which sounds gruesome, but I work in healthcare with some very elderly patients. It's a nice thing to be able to send a handmade card when one of them passes on.)

Media I have absorbed:


Mindhunter: spoilers for the whole series

I did not intend to watch this: since Criminal Minds nose-dived, I've had enough of violent and sexualised crime shows. But I tried one episode and found it to be sharp and pointy in the right way, at the institutional problems in law enforcement: the skepticism with which it views academia and vice versa, the barriers between agencies that prevent adequate communication, the lack of oversight and procedure.

Yeah, this whole show is a list of 'I don't usually [x] but [y]: I don't usually like crime TV but this one worked hard on the characters; I don't usually get invested in the serial killer character, but the guy playing Ed Kemper is weirdly hypnotic; I don't usually put myself through shows with era-specific sexism and homophobia, but come on, it's Anna Torv.

Anna Torv playing a lesbian academic is catnip for me. Watching her trying to shape the agents' work into a scientific study, using science and determination is awesome. I currently ship her with Holden's girlfriend Debbie, who can do so much better than Holden. (Or at least Holden at the end of S1, that jerk.)

Watching this show was a whole bag of weird but I kept watching so it must have been good?




ST: Disco Very - spoilers up to 1.06 Lethe
The post I've been trying to make for weeks has been about this show, which is imperfect but amazing, and which I love so much.

1. I cannot convey how happy it makes me to see Star Trek credits on my screen. It gave me a little frisson of joy. And the credits are gorgeous! I love them, and the little nod to the original series at the very end.

2. I love Michael Burnham. I just love her. I am going to enjoy finding out about her background. I immediately shipped her with Phillipa Georgiou, and still do in a past-tense way. I was holding out hope that Georgiou was still alive, but since we know she got eaten (I get the feeling Fuller can't leave Hannibal behind *ever*), I have to let that go.

3. The mushroom drive is daft and makes no sense but I'll go with it, especially since we know that it's not the propulsion system Starfleet goes in the future. There must be something really wrong with it. It's a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

4. Speaking of ticking bombs, Lorca is such a fucked up piece of work, and not at all what I'd expect in a Starfleet captain (and after tonight's episode, not what Starfleet expects of a captain, either.) I've gone from being put off to horrified to horrified and fascinated at the same time. At least he's a carefully crafted mess, and I'm finding his manipulation of the crew kinda interesting in a wrong-bad-wrong way.

- I like the crew! I like Saru (danger ganglia!) and Tilly (snoring and drooling!) and Stamets (he's so mellow now he's on shrooms!) and Doctor Culber (Doctor Husband!) and I'm ready to like the rest when we get a chance to know them. I'm not so sure about this new guy (and the terrible, terrifying rumours about his character) but after 1.06, I get his vibe. I can ship him with Captain Fuck-up, pretty intensely. And kinkily.

- I did genuinely get a little misty eyed at the m/m domestic tooth-brushing. There's canon gay kissing on Trek on TV. (I know the last movie had Sulu's husband and kid? I haven't seen it.)

- I hate Klingon politics. I mostly hate Klingon storylines, unless they're written with a very deft touch that gives us multi-dimensional Klingons. I do not like Disco Very Klingons. I do like their architecture though, and their jewelry.

- I do like Vulcan politics! I like James Frain as Sarek, and I love the actress playing Amanda, and I love the idea of Michael growing up with ankle-biter Spock. I bet she was an awesome big sister and I bet he was a bit of a shit. (It was weird in tonight's episode to see all that standing water on Vulcan. Being steeped in the Diane Duane books, I felt it looked really indulgent? IDK, it's weird the things that chime with me about Trek.)

- I have to keep reminding myself this is a really complex show, and has been from the outset. It's not something I'm used to from Trek series, which usually spend a few seasons finding their identity before kicking into gear. This one seems to know what it is from the outset, and so it's a bit odd to not immediately know everything about the characters. They're not, I don't know, archetypes drawn large, they're nuanced. They're going to have arcs and development and stuff. I have to keep reminding myself that; I already like Stamets so much more than I did originally. Even if his mirror thing is creepy af. (Though if it leads to a Mirrorverse ep, I will be thrilled because that would surely mean Mirrorverse Georgiou, and Mirrorverse Georgiou will, of course, be amazing.)



Spoilers for The Good Place, S2 in general

I'm still enjoying this show, for the excellent and many-layered premise. It continues to entertain! But most of all, I love Janet. And after watching the gag reel for Season one, I love how ad libbed it is. How they all come in with different lines every take. And I love Janet the most forever and ever:

Janet, handing Michael the basketball: "Look, Michael! It's a witch."
*several seconds later*
Janet: "Burn her".

*loves them all* The season is nearly over! I will be sad. (I would link to the gag reel but it's been blocked. Looking at the gag reel will send you to the Bad Place. *nods* I was probably going anyway.)



Thoughts on Black Sails - spoilers for the first eight eps
My thoughts go like this:
- this is very handheld. lilacsigil will never get to see any of this. But everyone looks very hot and grubby, and I don't think she will enjoy that.

- omg Eleanor. Eleanor and Max! <3 <3 <3 ...oh. Well, I shouldn't be surprised that this show is rapey as hell.

- omg is that Anne Bonny? IT IS ANNE BONNY! ILU ANNE BONNY! She's great and terrifying and the guys are pretty scared of her and omg. I went to look up the actress, and her name is Lady Clara Elizabeth Isis Page. Um. Gosh.

- I don't know too much about Mrs Barlow yet, but I'm getting a pretty strong vibe that she and Captain Flint and Mr Barlow were a threesome. I hope they were a threesome.

- This show has huge queer undercurrents. And actual f/f sex, but it would be nice to see a few m/m scenes. Because that was definitely a thing.

- Did I just see Jack Rackham in sunglasses?
Answer: yes.


- Whenever I find out an actor is Australian, I have to know if they're School of Home & Away, or School of Neighbours, the two major soaps of the nineties and where all Aussie actors of a certain age come from. If they're from NZ, it's usually Shortland Street. (Toby Schmitz is Home & Away.)



Spoilers for Supergirl S3.03 Far From the Tree

- Well, that bridal shower was effing uncomfortable. Poor Maggie, poor, poor Maggie. *weeps*
- I think it was a nice touch to get Carl Lumbly (who voiced J'onn J'onzz in the animated series) to play J'onn's father.
- Omg, that Britney tune. Omg, took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
- Alex and Maggie are going to break up, aren't they? JUST TELL THE TRUTH, ALEX. I'm pretty sure that the writers are setting up this woman with super powers as the new love interest, or a love triangle. I guess that's the upshot of having gay characters: you're going to get gay love triangles. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate a gay love triangle as much as a straight one.

If this show kills a lesbian, it's dumped.


It has actually taken me two weeks to write this post. Things aren't great in my treehouse. Kangaroos loose in the top paddock. One snag short of a barbie. Few sangas short of a picnic. (How many of these can I spool out? Mullions, mate.)

Comments

[kass]

Oh, my dear. I am so sorry that things have been so hard. I hope that the meds help and that you find yourself in a place of gentler equilibrium soon.

[st_aurafina]

*hugs hugs* Things are okay, really, it's just not like me to be silent for long long stretches.

A gentler equilibrium would be nice, though.

[thisbluespirit]

*sends hugs*

[st_aurafina]

*always hugs*

[fred_mouse]

All the sympathies on the anxiety, and the wishing for doctors who actually know what they need to know.

[st_aurafina]

Thank you! I am on the hunt for a doctor I can talk to, anyway.

[singe]

I wish I had a kangaroo problem. The only wildlife I've seen lately is a dead coyote on the road. :(

But I'm glad you're feeling better!

[st_aurafina]

Well, truthfully, the majority of kangaroos I see are also dead on the road. Roos have no road sense, sadly.

Thank you! I am glad, too.

[shopfront]

Things aren't great in my treehouse. Kangaroos loose in the top paddock. One snag short of a barbie. Few sangas short of a picnic. (How many of these can I spool out? Mullions, mate.)

A+ yay for Trek thoughts, but also I am sorry to hear you've had a rough time but I have come over all over nostalgic for home at this way of describing it. I hope you find more sangas soon <3

[leecetheartist]

Strength to you and hugs if you want 'em.

Tries to shoo roos back where they're supposed to be. Are these wallabies meant to be here? Now if they were emu then we'd REALLY be in trouble.

[st_aurafina]

*hugs hugs hugs* We will endure! We will make it to the end of this stupid vote.

Now if they were emu then we'd REALLY be in trouble.
Omg, now I know it could be so, so much worse!

[musesfool]

*hugs*

Janet is the best no lie.

[st_aurafina]

*hugs back* Janet is a queen, and I'm pretty sure she's also god.

Ughhh, I miss this show so much!

[wendelah1]

I guess that's the upshot of having gay characters: you're going to get gay love triangles. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate a gay love triangle as much as a straight one.

I hate love triangles too.

If this show kills a lesbian, it's dumped.

That's how I always feel about characters getting killed off (x1000 for lesbians). Life is cheap on TV and it pisses me off. Well, except for Krycek. I was happy to see him get killed.

[muccamukk]

I hope the new meds continue to work, and that a miracle occurs and a new rainbowtastic experienced Doctor movies to town. Possibly with a TARDIS.

My understanding based on Supergirl drama at SDCC is that Maggie is to leave the show, but she and Alex will still be together. I'm not sure how that's supposed to work, but I don't THINK she's going to die? She's not going to stay either though.

[senmut]

Honey, I am so sorry. +hugs tight+

[willidan]

Don't hurt yourself. You are an amazing person. (And right there with you with the doctor -- I have to ask for specific medication too.)

Also agree with Mindhunter. I can only watch one episode at a time so I'm only up to six, but I agree about Holden. And Anna Torv is amazing and I want Holden to get over his crush and let Debbie be the amazing intelligent person she clearly is.

I'm glad you posted. Don't give up. I know it's trite, but please hang in there. You're awesome.

[kore]

There have been actual panic attacks for the first time in ages, and self-harm thoughts, and no sleep, and all that anxiety crap.

BLARGH. Amitriptyline should help with all that tho! And insomnia too. God panic attacks SUCK. They're just about the worst thing I can think of.

Your thoughts on Disco are my thoughts! ....especially the awful rumours thing. If that happens....no no, it can't. Also, PHILIPPA. //sob

[batmarg]

*hugs* Sorry things have been tough recently. Glad to hear the meds are helping.

I make my own sympathy cards because I need them quite frequently
Same. In small towns, any time someone dies, you know them at least indirectly.

In order to avoid spoilers, I didn't click your cut but: how was Mindhunters?

Most of my favorite characters w/ Black Sails seem to change season to season, but Anne Bonny is a constant favorite.

[dine]

I am terribly sorry things have been rough for you - and that you have to gently guide the docs, instead of having competent help from the get-go! but I'm glad the meds are helping.

I admire your choices in media consumption - and LOVE that photo of Jack Rackham in sunglasses, that's just amazing

[vass]

♥

I am sorry about your top paddock, and the rural GP shortage. I would mail you my doctor if I could. Hope the amitriptyline continues to help corral the kangas (is that an add-on to the Pristiq, or did you quit that? /nosy)

[resolute]

The Good Place IS THE VERY BEST. :heart-eyes:

Sorry to hear things are rough at the moment.

:fistbump of friendship and solidarity:

[redfiona99]

I am sorry to hear about the head kangaroos. I hope they settle down for you.

>>If they're from NZ, it's usually Shortland Street. << It took me forever to figure out where I recognised Haldir from until I realised that he was the sensible brother on Shortland Street.

[gwyn]

I am so sorry you've been having a rough go of it lately. I can definitely empathize, and things like that remind me why I'm so lucky I have the doctor I have, and why it'll be so hard to lose her when she retires in a few years.

But I'm glad you have some TV you like! And a Yuletide assignment!

[lizbee]

I share all your feelings about Discovery (hi, I'm Liz and I'm a Philippa Georgiou Truther, and also apparently a Cornwell/Lorca shipper, which is already ending badly) and The Good Place -- I'm dressing up as Janet for our Halloween party!

I'm sorry you're feeling a few cassowaries short of a homicidal dinosaur bird crowd. I hope it passes -- I've used amitriptyline, but only for chronic pain.

[china_shop]

Ughhhhhh, all the sympathy! I'm on 10mg of Amitrip too. *high fives you* And I've been really emotionally/energetically flat for some time, but I recently started taking magnesium too and now I'm bouncy and I don't know if it's the magnesium or the warmed weather/sunshine. Anyway. That's just me. Good luck!!

Also, I'm sorry your doctor is useless. :-(

*hugs and hugs and hugs*

[lurkingcat]

I am so sorry about the kangaroos loose in the top paddock (that's a great expression though) and I really hope that things get better soon. Particularly on the anxiety front.

Kheldar sends gentle headbutts. At least I think that's what he's trying to do. The downside of my shiny new laptop is Kheldar's ability to use the touch screen with his nose...

[mergatrude]

*hugs*

[st_aurafina]

*hugs back*

[heartonsnow]

Making hats is very therapeutic, I made 8 once. I am knitting nothing in particular right now, just knitting and trying to get back in the knitting zone.

I have started several nano novels so I will break the rules and continue one of them this year. Will you do wordcount updates?

[st_aurafina]

I think I've made *counts* Six? Six hats of various sizes, and then I figured out how to make baby booties which are awesome fun.

I was going to post nano word counts but I have been scrambling to keep up. So far behind right now, it's very unlike me. I hope yours is going better.

[heartonsnow]

Sadly i am not in a writing mood and got a block when I tried. it's great how ever much you do cos you are writing!

[adafrog]

Glad the med is helping.

[umadoshi]

So glad to hear the amitriptyline is helping! *hugs*

[kindkit]

I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time. Hopefully the new medicine will continue to help. And a big YES to there being nothing wrong with headphones and crochet, or whatever safe comforting thing you need when you're out of cope. I often feel, these days, like my emotions just need to rest, because the world is so hard.

My reactions to Mindhunter were similar to yours, I think; I like it in some ways because it is so unlikeable, because it's chilly and uncomfortable and its characters are not very nice. And it seems to be aware that Holden is a jerk--possibly a dangerous jerk--which a lot of shows with similar protagonists are not aware of. I'm glad I'm also watching some fun things like the Bake Off to balance it out, though.

[monanotlisa]

Oh, honey.

*hugs*

I know about doctors. If they're not twelve, they're on shrooms themselves. DUDE COULD YOU GIVE A FUCK FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS, WHICH IS LIKE, YOUR *JOB*?

Ahhh I love STAR TREK: DISCO so much myself! ♥

[jesuswasbatman]

Sorry you haven't been feeling well. The Sulu thing was very overhyped - the "husband" only appears for a few seconds, and from the interaction they might just as well be brothers.

[tinny]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Baby steps and lots of hats, yes.


Yay, TV reviews of stuff I am also watching! <3

I only saw the pilot of Discovery, but am happy to have someone on my flist who likes it. Nobody really hates it, but the reviews are mixed. I loved the pilot, and am looking forward to watching more.

The Good Place! There was one ep I didn't like this season, but the rest are holding up well. Still a very fun show. I missed the gag reel, dammit! I'll see if I can dig it up somewhere. That's the disadvantage of buying the season as a stream - no extras. :(

Black Sails!!!! Weee! It's important to note that only the first season is rapey. The first season sucks. Everything else is wonderful and not a single rape in sight. The whole tone of the show changes for the better in season 2. Haha, lol, one of your comments made me laugh so hard. I don't want to spoil you... have you seen season 2 yet? Stick with it! Let me know how you like it!

[st_aurafina]

OMG I GOT TO THE EPISODE WHERE ~STUFF HAPPENS OMG I AM SO HAPPY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME!!!!

I am roaring through S2, I'm up to XIII, and everything is terrible and wonderful at the same time. *flails* I love everyone in this bar, as they say.

[tinny]

Ah, you've already come this far! (The thing I laughed about was your insistence about there having been a threesome. Right on the money, yay!)

It is so heartbreaking! The show is incredibly good at tearing our hearts out and stomping on them.

I've read quite a bit of meta (today, actually. someone else on my flist is watching Black Sails right now and asked for meta and yay timing :D) where people complain that there is way too little casual m/m sex on the show, and while they may be right, I adore the showrunners for giving us this. His Truest Love. <3 I don't care about anything else, that is one huge thing and it make me love them and Flint forever.

Here's my 2x05 squee post: https://tinny.dreamwidth.org/480964.html - just in case you'd like to go over it again in picspam-fashion. *g*

[rydra_wong]

(The thing I laughed about was your insistence about there having been a threesome. Right on the money, yay!)

selenak also called it correctly in her ep responses. Then it seems like some people got completely blindsided by it (especially a number of outraged straight fanboys). And then there were some people who went "well, there's all this subtext but obviously the show's not actually going to go there because they never do ...".

The most delightful one I've seen is someone quoting their own response to the early flashbacks -- I can't find it right now, but it was along the lines of "Wow, that's an interesting Acting Choice there, Toby. I wonder if he knows that he's coming across as almost in love with this Hamilton guy."

where people complain that there is way too little casual m/m sex on the show, and while they may be right, I adore the showrunners for giving us this. His Truest Love. <3

Yeah. I'm Team Historical Accuracy to the extent that if the show's going to use "gritty realism" as a reason to have lots of brothel scenes, it ought logically to also show/imply some m/m sexual activity in the crews, because historians are not even debating that a lot of that went on.

On the other hand, a) they're working within what producers/network would allow, and b) what they did do is HUGE.

Just the fact that it's an m/m relationship which is the Great Pure True Love of the show, and that they made their Badass Hardcore Violent Pirate lead motivated by that love -- that's a big damn deal, and awesome.

[tinny]

especially a number of outraged straight fanboys

serves them right

And then there were some people who went "well, there's all this subtext but obviously the show's not actually going to go there because they never do ...".

That was me. I was watching the start of s2 with neery, my friend who got me into the show in the first place, and when they're sitting at that table with Alfred Hamilton (not in 2x06, but earlier, when it first comes up), I was going "threesome!" in my head, but luckily didn't say anything or she would have definitely spoiled me for it.

I never thought they'd go there, but to my fangirl eyes it was so obvious. I still can't quite fathom that they actually did go there and that it was such a big deal for Flint's motivation, too. So good. So, so, satisfying. It even made me accept that we didn't get to see a James/Thomas sex scene with little to no grumbling. Love and sex would have been great, but if I have to choose, the love means so much more to me.

interesting Acting Choice there, Toby

Muahaha. I love that they told Toby from the start that this is where they were going with it. A+ producing decision. It's always better if you give an actor good backstory to work with, but Toby especially is a pro at that. He did such an amazing job.

that's a big damn deal, and awesome.

Yes! *happy sigh*

[rydra_wong]

serves them right

And then they had the cast mocking their outrage. It's glorious.

I love that they told Toby from the start that this is where they were going with it. A+ producing decision.

Pragmatically, I guess, you have to do that so you don't end up with an actor who'll balk at it.

But bless him for embracing it, and also for saying that this was what hooked him about the role in the first place, that you have this very very violent, hardened, enigmatic character who has this completely different (soft/vulnerable) backstory underlying and driving everything.

I'm appalled that he didn't win any acting awards for it, because it's such an impressive performance across all four seasons.

I never thought they'd go there, but to my fangirl eyes it was so obvious.

*nodnodnod* Shows so rarely do go there!

selenak's ep reaction post for 2.05 is really interesting (she discusses the ep and also the surprised and/or outraged reactions): https://selenak.dreamwidth.org/1058222.html

Two particular bits:

It's a common (and not untrue) complaint in fandom: a film or tv has a relationship build up that, were it between a man and a woman, would be turned romantic, but because it's between two men, it doesn't, though there might be jokes and innuendo.

[...]Well, Black Sails has just shown that its leading male character fell in love with another man, a relationship that was indeed build up over half the season in flashbacks. (And the previous, first season gave at least two hints I can think of.) The surprise in the professional reviews is telling, because, as mentioned above, this did not come out of the blue at all - they were just train not to read increasing closeness between two men as a romantic build up, and definitely not if one of them is in the present day action a ruthless pirate.

Made me start having thinky thoughts about what we're trained to read as "romantic" and what as "platonic", where we expect TV shows to go and where not, fangirl eyes and "slash goggles" and the different ways of reading things.

Not that I've arrived at any coherent thoughts yet or anything, but. *flaily hands* It's very interesting!

[rydra_wong]

Oh hai, I am here for the Black Sails squee (but also hope fervently that the amitriptyline is kind to your brain; the meds roundabout is never a fun place to be).

Was just about to chime in to second tinny about how the rapey-ness stops, but I see you've already made it into the safe waters of S2.

and everything is terrible and wonderful at the same time. *flails* I love everyone in this bar, as they say.

*clutches at you*

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR EVERYONE IN THE SHOW PLZ.

(Er, if time and inclination and brain permit.)

This show has huge queer undercurrents.

"Undercurrents" is not really the word, I think, as you will have noticed by now. *g* Overcurrents! \o/

Also Jack Rackham's sunglasses are the best.

[ifthiswasalovesong]

Hello, I've wandered in randomly and I'm making overjoyed little noises at finding someone who likes Star Trek: Discovery AND likes Michael Burnham. I think she's a fascinating character and I'm really enjoying getting to know her. I'm adoring her friendship with Tilly who's so me that it's wonderful. Lorca is all kinds of screwed up and LOVE.

Also, I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling recently and my fingers are crossed the meds keep on levelling you out. I offer hugs if they're welcome, cookies and hot chocolate :)

[lark_ascends]

Hope that you're continuing to slowly feel better. Glad you got some of the help you needed.

Just watched the first two eps of ST: Discovery. So far, not impressed. It doesn't feel like my Trek in any way, shape or form. Will give it two more eps, but I have a feeling that it won't be for me.

[st_aurafina]

Thanks bb. *hugs*

[rydra_wong]

(Toby Schmitz is Home & Away.)

Forgot to say, thank you for this delightful bit of information.

(For multiple generations of British actors, it was The Bill [incredibly long-running police drama] or Casualty [incredibly long-running hospital drama]. Or both. Frequently both. I used to go through theatre programmes reading the bios to see.)